Musical Chairs

I have been meaning to write a blog for a little while now just haven't had the time to sit down and do so. Which is odd considering all I have is free time on my hands. Go figure.. why is that? I mean I feel as though this is something that happens to more people than just me. When I have 6 things to do I get none of it done, and spend my day with, well I am not sure what. Browsing the Internet, bugging my mom, eating, sometimes reading, well mostly reading, and listening to new music. Tis odd.

So anyway, back to my blog point. I am reading this book called "The Me I want to Be" by John Ortberg, a book suggested to me by a friend many moons ago. I have finally finished the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series so that relationship is over and on to bigger and better things, such as finding out how to be the best me I can be. I read this rather large paragraph in the book the other day and it really struck a chord with me, and I felt like sharing. What better way then a blog. Guilt is the word that came to mind, probably something more people wouldn't admit after reading such a "in your face" paragraph. But as for me, i am defiantly guilty. YIKES. The paragraph is in relation to closing the gap that is between God and I.

"Sometimes we manage the gap by pretending. We learn to fake it. We speak as if we had had deeper spiritual experiences than we really have, as though our sin bother us more than it really does. We pray as though our voice is throbbing with an emotion that we really have to generate ourselves. Sometime we play spiritual musical chairs, always searching for a different church or tradition or spirituality that has the magic key. Some people flit from one spiritual experience to another, continually rededicating their lives to God and then falling away, hoping to recapture the emotions they felt when they first met God. Some people quietly, secretly give up. They still hope they will go to heaven when they die, but between now and then they have been disappointed too often to expect change anymore. They have gotten used to languishing."

Now, I don't believe that I personally walk around and have secretly gave up, but I do believe that sometimes I think there is a right and wrong way to worship Him and i get so caught up in that i start playing "musical chairs" with tradition and new techniques to grow closer to God. Not sure if i am making sense yet. But this i what i mean. That sometimes I have been guilty of faking it, probably just so people couldn't see the hurt or pain i was secretly going through and the internal battle of doing what is wrong when I know what's right. iIhave acted as though some sins have bothered me at the time, when really it didn't, because it is what i thought i should do to "fake" my Christianity. Now, this wasn't yesterday or anything, this has been over the last 6 years, but there comes a time when I must Stop. So that is where I am now, growing in my spiritual maturity so to speak. Realizing that when I say one thing and feel another God is not pleased, and I am not fooling Him. I can not fake it with Him. Do I think he only hears what i say and doesn't know how i feel? DUH He is ALL KNOWING. It was a hump that I needed to jump over and conquer, realizing that I needed to stop falling away and rededicating my life and get my act into gear. The last 6 months have been a doozy, but I am finally on the right side of that hump pushing forward.

This book, although only 5 chapters in, has been pretty unique in that it explains God doesn't want me to be anything else but ME. When I die He isn't going to tell me I wasn't more like Noah, Moses or Peter. He is going to ask me if I was the me HE created me to be. Sometimes we think that in order to grow closer to God we need to change who we are. No, I don't think that's it, we are already who we are, who God created us to be, we just need to close the gap and become a better version of ourselves.

It makes sense to me....

Percy Jackson & The Olympians

Yep, that's right. I am reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. The only sucky part is each book is only lasting me about a day or two. Already on the third one and i started last Thursday. This means one of two things.. they are that good and at a fourth grade reading level, or i have too much time on my hands. I am going to go with the first option.

So update. For starters, for the first time in a long time i am settling down. whoosh. I cant remember the last time i could say, this is where i am going to be and staying for the next year and a half. But tis true. I landed this super sweet coaching job that is going to test my patience, plus get me back into the volleyball world a little bit. i am coaching Freshman at Paradise Valley High School, cant remember if i discussed this is the last blog or not. I will have my official team by Thursday, but i really already have the girls picked out. I just got to give the new incoming freshman to the school chance to figure out there are tryouts and what not. This is going to be rough. I am used to girls with ability to play already.. these girls, out of 12 about 2 have played before. Yep, 2!!! When i say, "line up for serve receive" they look at me like i am growing a blueberry out of my forehead. Long story short, it is going to be a doozy, but i am excited.

For another update I applied, and was excepted to do a year internship at my home church here in the valley. CCV. I will be working in the children's ministry starting in Jan! This is such a huge opportunity for me to grow in so many different ways and i am so excited. The way this just worked i could really see God in it. There was a huge difference in this and the other things i was trying to do. I now know God really wants me to be right here with my family. It is amazing how quick things happened and i am ready to get started!

Anyway......................... that's that. just a bit of a update because i felt like blogging.

Also so you think you can dance is over. now i don't know what the heck i am going to do wed and Thursday nights. dang it.

Friendships...

Lately i have been wanting to write a blog about Friendships, i even wrote it on my to do list. Sadly that was a couple days ago and i really don't remember what exactly i wanted to write about on Friendships.... So why don't i just start writing and just hope something significant comes out of it.

I have as of late, come to the realization that some friends you just have to let go. I am the sort of person who actually values my friends, regardless of what he or she can do for me. When you are my friend i am going to call to see how you are, stay in touch, knit you scarves, listen when your angry, buy you dinner and so forth. When i say i want to hang out i want to hang out and not wait for a better option, when i say i will call later, i call later. I make my friends my priority, but too often i am finding myself as only their option. Its just super lame. I mean really, when will everyone just become adults? haha. When i am talking to you, and you give me a line of Bull, i KNOW you are giving me a line of bull. When you make excuses its embarrassing, wouldn't it be nice if we could all just be honest?

So i have decided that its okay to stand up for myself, to not put effort into "those" friendships anymore. Its a bit hard at first because you realize there is so much history with certain people and at times i feel like its a waste, how much effort i have put in, and for what, a bunch of pictures and a few stories? the answer is yes that's exactly it, and i need to be okay with that. The friendships i am making now at 25 have been more meaningful then any relationships i had before. Sometimes it just takes years to find the right friends, who value you as much as you them. I think a lot of people hit this point, when you realize you have nothing left to give............

I am back in AZ and for awhile. My sister is home, my brothers are home, and i am home and i couldn't be happier. I just need to be okay with my decision and hope that God has a plan for me right here in Glendale, AZ. I am now the freshman coach at Paradise Valley High School. That happened pretty quickly, and just a part time thing, and then we will see what else happens.

Today is Aug 1st and for the next 30 days i am trying this new thing. For 30 min everyday i am going to sit in prayer. A Time to talk with God, but for the entire 30 min i have to be smiling. I did it today, and it was interesting, because sometimes what we talk to God about is not necessarily the happiest of conversations. It was odd, i laughed a few times thinking how ridiculous this may be. But i honestly felt happier, and after i kept smiling for probably another hour... I am hoping to accomplish something from this, what, i am not so sure. I am really hoping my demeanour changes, that maybe i will actually start smiling more in my daily lifestyle... who knows........................................